Back On Track: Rebirth, Warriors and Pirates

Summer is coming to an end over here. Soon, everything will be all about school again, and social life drama and the love for sleep. So, how am I today? These past few days? First of all, I had just discovered the power of breathing. Taking deep breaths is very useful as simple as it may be.

My life is not yet all sparkles and glitter. I know it's never going to work that way. What I'm sure is that I am taking on a journey jammed with optimism and the hope that all will turn out well. My motivation is slowly creeping back in, and other than my blog, I'm back to writing my stories which have been left for quite some time now.

I'm slowly going back to being me. Recently, I have a few minor health problems which reminds me to have a healthier lifestyle. Currently, I'm suffering an ear infection and sinusitis brought by a day full of swimming, which was last week.

I'm going through a transformation these days: a good transformation though! I'm not saying it isn't easy. Especially when I'm weak and cranky these days. I haven't gotten out since early May. I miss seeing the moon every night, witnessing it's gradual changes, the trees bearing orange flowers, the cats, the roosters, the stars and most importantly, feeling the night breeze, but soon I'll be leaving once again to be alone, for school.

The fires of life are going back into me. I can't wait to feel the vibrating passion once again, to rise from the ashes and slay the new school year with my blazing spears and lances.

I'm sick of living like a zombie. I'm sick of submitting to what other people want me to do. I know it sounds selfish but I need some time to be me too. The wrong people may have came and left from my domain, but that doesn't mean the right people aren't coming my way.

There are 7 billion people in the world. Why worry and take pressure on a selected few and allow them ruin your life?

Oh, and I've gotten back into RPG gaming as well. Old school gaming, to specifically point out.

The best thing I've learned is that beyond weapons, armor and cool pets, warriors need to have a proper attitude. There is a lot to work on: Skills training, experience, and leveling up. There are times when they experience death, but we need to do it again to get past it. We need to work on leveling up and remove the fear of failing, or lets say, dying. Warriors need to have a positive mind, that they can take down every monster they encounter. It won't be easy but in the end there will be rewards through gold, and something that is far more precious: Experience. Once received, it cannot be spent or stolen.

I like the warrior attitude. All my childhood I'd like to see myself as a warrior-princess. I'm a damsel who likes to play it rough, yet not cheap. I'm not even physically strong, try letting me punch you, heck you won't even feel a thing. I'd like to show my battle maiden attitude through life: That I'm strong, and can be independent, reliable, and can get past difficulties with grace of course. I'm setting my eyes on the crown, knowing that one day, I will be ready to be Queen. I will be an awesome woman who respects herself, is mature, wise, with a heart of gold and glitter, becoming a living sunflower, scattering positivity and wisdom to the world.

Times may be tough now, but it will just pass and I know it will get better. Of course, I need to also do my part to make it better. Work cannot be achieved by just being static. It's basic Physics.

So, last words, flockmates? Don't give up. We can do this. We can eventually live our dreams. Let go of the past, but keep the memories and the lessons learned. Live for the present moment and enjoy every single morsel of today because you'll never get another 'today', EVER. Also, keep an eye on the future, but don't be too submerged into it. Set a vision. Have a picture of what you'd like to see yourself years from now. Be like a pirate who, even though he can't see a thing but endless water, knows he'll find land. He envisions it, that everyday he checks if there is land on sight. He doesn't just sit there and wait, he steers his wheel, keeps track of the stars and does other pirate-y stuff. Eventually after months or weeks of hardwork, he eventually finds land. And think about all the gold he'll have!

You can do it, I believe in you! Keep on living, loving and learning! xoxo

Latching On Pushes People Away

I’ve always wanted to have a gal friend.                They’re like the ones in the movies or in the books I read where every female protagonist always got that female bestie they can rely on. They would go on girl-nights and gush over cute guys, and go mall-shopping together, then perhaps help choose each other’s clothes. Whenever one gets heartbroken, they would be there to watch cheesy romcom flicks with, and dine on pizza and Ben&jerry’s or perhaps talk and share advice or stuff. There will be slumber parties, silly dances, LOL moments, and a whole other stuff.

Once upon a time I was just being friendly to this girl because she was new. I talked to her, well, most like she was talking to me about her life. It was fine, because it was a natural getting-to-know process! She said I was her first friend in the neighborhood: Great, because you’re going to be my first female friend in this village too. Soon enough, she would knock on my door every single day to hangout. Even if there was nothing much to do, we would hangout because she hated being indoors and she wanted to talk more about her life.

I was pretty chill with everything; was game for everything, but soon I noticed how she saw me as a loser. When she said she needed advice, she just wouldn’t listen to a thing I say! Like, she would interrupt me midsentence and say “Yeah, yeah I know.” Then on she goes again ranting about her nonsense problems that aren’t supposed to be problems in the first place.

It just wasn’t a give-and-take thing and it grew worse when she claimed that I was her ‘bestfriend’, and she got mad at me once because I refused to tell her a personal secret, and because I told her how we still weren’t ‘close enough’. Bitch I have every right to my personal information!

Call me clutz but she just wasn’t a true friend. I’m sorry I’m not like the chatty, catty and cute-sy girls you used to hang out with at school! Not every girl is the same, and most certainly, I’m a different kind of girl from you. I am totally game to hangout with someone different than me, but there should be respect. I remembered catching her rolling her eyes at me for something I did which was totally ‘me’. She didn’t see me for who I am, rather, she only saw me as ‘my neighborhood friend.’

Girl, I’m sorry but I’m not the friend you’re looking for. We can still hangout and help each other whenever there are events in the neighborhood though, so no problem.

So, what’s with the title? As what I mentioned, she would go knocking at my door every day and would ask with her huge plastic smile. “Want to hangout?” Whenever I would have the tendency to hesitate or when I would say no she would make a grunting noise, roll her eyes and ask me why, and blabber about blablabla. It was as if she was making a huge fuss out of her refused invitation. I told you she was very, very ‘mature’.  Does she even know that there are different kinds of people in this planet? And much more that there are such species called ‘Introverts’?  (*sarcasm intended)

There is a huge difference in my life already since I joined the Youth Organization of my place. I went out often, met people and got exposed. I was already a very active member of the Organization, and the teens I’ve met are extraordinary, and awesome people. I remembered the latenight foodtrips, the laughs, the teamwork, the conversations, the vents, the rants, the dances, the singing, and the lazy afternoons with the guitar. This is a summer I will remember. These people have taught me to smile again, and because of them I have broken out of my shell brought by the pains of heartbreak. Now, I smile wider, laugh louder and am back to being absolutely myself once again, and it’s all because of these people.

Last words? Always stay true to yourself in a world full of fake people. There will be times when people will dislike you for who you are but someday you will meet people who’ll make you feel like you belong. It’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you’re not. That broken friendship you just had? Learn to let go, and hope the best in life for them. Take a deep breath, forgive, and realize that there are 7 billion people in this world. True friends do exist, I ensure you. We still have to meet them. Never ever give up, because a true friend is worth the search.

Keep on living, loving and learning!! xoxo

I'm No Longer Your Muse

It's a beautiful thing when two people do a duet. The blending of their sweet voices, the music which moves our feet, and the way our thoughts would fly with the musical notes in the air. It always is an amazing thing to be someone's muse. To know you're in a duet with someone who shares the same melodies of your heart.

I was his muse. He was mine, too. I was happy with the fact that I could finally dance with someone. He was the reason why I sing my thoughts through words. It made the Nothingale fly higher than ever with her emotional wings. The feeling was wonderful.

When he left, I became silent. I desired for my co-singer to sing with me again. It felt like he was the music I needed. The only music I'll ever dance to forever.

They say that nothing is forever. At some point, the sound has to meet silence. It's a natural balance of how things work!

Just today, I realized that I don't need someone to make a beautiful performance. Birds sing by themselves most of the time. They sing of nature, of beauty, and I just wonder what makes them so happy to sound so beautiful every single day. If birds can do it, why can't we? We can be happy by ourselves, by loving ourselves.

Soon, we'll eventually have the will to dance again, but by that time, not by someone's music but by our own. By that time, it won't take long for a man to ask if he may join you in your dance.

For now, I'm listening to the sorrowful tune of heartbreak. Soon I'll learn to be like a bird, that I might live up to my name of being 'TheNothingale.' I'll learn how to make music from my own soul.

What is this music I speak off? Happiness. For me, music is happiness, and from happiness out comes freedom.

Last words? Learn to be happy with our own selves, because what a waste of our beauty if we don't share it to the world! Sunflowers always turn to the source of sunlight, and the same goes for connections too.

To the guy who left? I'm no longer your muse, dude. I'm broken, but soon I'll learn how to sing again, by my own. Thank you for setting me free. If not for you, I would not have discovered the melody I have in me. Now, all I need to do is to shift this sad solo to something happy :)

Keep on loving, living and learning, Flockmates!!!

I Was The One That Got Away

I’ll never forget that one night. The stars were out, the crickets chirp and you wanted to meet up. I couldn’t resist, because I felt like I was stuffed inside my house for too long. Besides, I also wanted to feel the night atmosphere, watch the stars and feel the cool wind blowing against me.

When he said he loved me, I had doubt building at the back of my mind. I remember the words of Elsa from Frozen: “You can’t marry a man you just met.” The same goes for ‘love’. I don’t believe in ‘love at first sight’. I do believe that two people can instantly connect with one another at first glance, but love needs more than that.

I didn’t trust him yet. It was all too soon.

I swear I saw the hurt in his eyes the moment I backed away from him, when I told him I had to leave. It was an act out of impulse. For a moment, I allowed my inner self to control my actions. He was too advanced, too quick for my healing heart.

He should’ve known better that trust is not so easily earned! I want my guy to not only be my lover, but a best friend. I’m usually the kind of person who likes to see the good side of people, who appreciates everyone for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I’ll love every guy that comes knocking at my door. My heart and mind are two different things. I can like you, understand you, and talk with you because all it takes is a different point of view but the heart is not so easily changed.

I do believe that love can be achieved through respect, trust and mutual understanding. The kind of love that needs effort, time, and a lot of communication to work. I can’t really say I fully believe the concept of Soulmates and Fate. I’d like to believe they’re true. That there is someone out there designed just for you.

What I do know for sure is that, every person we meet brings us something new to learn, mostly in ourselves.

So, do I regret leaving him torn, in the darkness and silence, just when he was hoping to see me? I felt guilty as I recalled his expression as I left. I never intend to hurt people, even those who hurt me or who I have to hurt. That’s why I’m a sucker for love: I’m too soft, sensitive and sweet. Fortunately, I have a mind who reminds me to do the right thing. My heart screamed that I should immediately take back my words and enjoy the night with him, but my head’s gently reminding me that this isn’t what I wanted in the first place, that I’m just going to do it out of pity, not of love.

I think I should have no regrets at all, because I did my part by being completely honest. The moment I reached home, I phoned him and said sorry and explained that I couldn’t love someone I barely know and trust. I was hurting him  a bit, but I was being honest to myself. At least I put a premature end to a budding relationship that was bound to go nowhere. I’m actually doing us a favor by saving time, effort and tears.

This is the part when the climax is hanging by a thread. What happened tonight may only lead to the following events in the next few days:

1.)    He’ll hate me forever, thus finding another girl

2.)    He’ll understand and he’ll reflect on his actions and we may talk

3.)    He’ll go the extra mile by still being friends with me and we’ll undergo a lot of the ‘getting-to-know’ stage and who knows what we’ll both find?

Yes, I am friendzoning him. Actually, I’m friendzoning every guy that comes my way because I know I’m not ready. The friendzone doesn’t mean it’s the end of a relationship. Sometimes, the girl likes the guy but is just isn’t ready to say she loves him back! Love is amazing but it isn’t as chill and laidback as we think it is: it isn’t instant, it doesn’t always go your way and most importantly, it isn’t perfect.

Final words, flockmates? Honesty and open communication are two key components in relationships. It would be better if feelings were spilled before than leaked horribly after. Breaking it up to someone sucks. Honestly, it hurts us too, but not as much as the other one. As the time-old quote says: Prevention is better than cure. It’s the same in love too. Don’t go into a relationship if it doesn’t feel right for you. Everyone deserves to be with someone they love. By breaking it slowly into your soon ex, you’re doing them a favor because you know that… they deserve better. They deserve someone who actually loves them and you deserve someone you actually love.

Xoxo Keep on loving, learning and living!

Honesty Sets Us Free

I had a friend. I exaggerate on the ‘had’. We met when I joined this organization, and I don’t know if it’s just me but we kind off had a happy moment together because we happened to connect in so many things in so little time. It was surprising. It was a storm. I was totally taken by surprise, by him.

We hanged out for two days, but suddenly he stopped from the third.

It was almost heart-breaking. Why? He set my hopes up high that finally I would have a friend that I could totally relate with. I was excited, imagining the days ahead. Maybe we would talk all about our fave topics, or maybe laugh at some awesome joke we made.

The sudden disappearance brought me to limbo. Everytime I make conversation, he would just give me short responses. I don’t know why. People sometimes teased us that we’re a couple, but I’m sure he’s mature enough not to care! The thing here is, the thought of wanting to know why bothered me more than ever.

I wanted to say it over Facebook, but it doesn’t seem to be a likely place for it. I can’t say it in real life because we’re barely friends anymore.

At one point I decided ‘what if I won’t say a thing?!’ but then the thought still annoys me and I had a strong urge to just say what I needed to say.

And guess what? Eventually, I did. It took me a couple rewrites to do it. One time I thought I made the perfect message, but doubt took me in, and so I  deleted everything. Actually, I literally exited the entire browser as soon as I realized I had clicked ‘send’.

But then it became more than that. Minutes after sending it, I felt a huge wave of euphoria. I was tremendously happy, because I felt like I was free! But not yet, though. I still don’t know his answer. What would his response be? Well, that doesn’t matter! I feel like I don’t care anymore! Because for once,  I told the truth and I’ve never felt so in tune with myself in such a long time.

I was so happy, that I thought maybe I should be more honest often.  Honestly literally freed me from fear. The truth will truly set us free. So, what is really holding us back from saying what we really want? The chains of doubt, fear, and negativity. They are monsters we need to fight.

Anyway, flockmates. I finally did it!!! I am so, so so so happy.

I may or may not lose a friend tonight, but atleast I can finally sleep much better, and live easier because I know I have the ability to free the truth. I can never know what’s on the other side, that’s why I asked! I can’t read his frickin’ mind, for god’s sake! But that doesn’t matter, the honesty I gave acted like a layer of armor over me. Even if he leaves this very second, at least I had closure, and there’s no other thing every relationship need than closure, and honesty.

I tell you, nothing compares to the feeling freedom gives.  Finally, The Nothingale finally figured out how to be utterly free. Not only can I sing about my feelings, but I am slowly in a journey to unravel how to sing every piece of morsel in my mind to the world. This freedom may help me soar higher than I ever thought I could be.

Last words, flockmates? Just say how you feel, and then celebrate it afterwards because in this world where honesty is a lonely trait, you did it. You are an awesome, honest person.

And to be honest? I love you, Internet peeps! I wish you with all my might the best in your lives!!

Not The Right Mix?

This is somewhat a sequel to the post before this: Live, Love,Learn: That's Life! 

If you haven't read that one, then you might not understand some things here but if you persist, then you are always free to do so.

Anyway, I asked a question to the Universe yesterday, and guess what? Fate answered me with an emotional disturbance. Fate broke my heart, boohoo, and no I didn't eat lots of ice cream, watched romance movies and an entire roll of tissue paper crying my heart out: It was just a little ache.

Despite the size, pain is still pain, and I tell you, it still hurts. If I were to compare it, it would be a little cut while real heartbreak is a broken bone.

So what made my heart break in pieces, you may wonder? But nah, I won't talk about it here. Let's just say it's a relationship that just wasn't meant to be and isn't supposed to be there in the first place. He's moving on and I've just got out from my shell. I wanted to enjoy myself and the open air first but then he suddenly popped out like Freddy Frazbear. Eeesh, creepy.

I already knew this would happen from the very first day I met him, when we got to know each other a bit. I had the feeling I was bound to be a rebound. Hey, at least that rhymes, right?

Anyway, Fate really responded well, that I'm not ready for all this. In fact, I wasn't even ready at all, to begin with. Before all these happened, I was focusing my energy on honing my hobbies and improving myself. I was trying to find 'Me'. Well, I know she's here but I don't feel her. I'm in a limbo and supposedly I wasn't to be disturbed.

I need to "Be with myself and center, clarity, peace, and serenity.' as Fergie sang.

But yay! Thank Universe for my mini-ache. But perhaps blame it on PMS for the heightened mood. Maybe that's why my pain is amplified.

Soooo I think I should end it here.

xoxoxoxox   Final word, Flockmates?  Sometimes things don't happen the way you expect them to be because maybe it's just not the right mix. Always remember to never worry, because creating the perfect taste needs a lot of taste-testing and re-dos. Soon, we'll eventually meet that perfect mix, and by that time, you'll say to yourself. "Hey, this is worth all the tears, years and heartbreaks!".

Love and learn, as always.






Little, tiny bit of last words: Oh my, Or perhaps I was just overreacting/overthinking? :o

Live, Love and Learn, That's Life

Let's face it, it's never nice to overthink. As girls, we loathe it when we over react, while boys find that one trait annoying when it comes to their chicks. Not all maybe, but I do know a lot to testify that.

I have to speak in picturesque speech because... Well, he might just read this. 

I was finally glad to be able to go out after lots of years being an awesome hermit. The sun was nice, the people were more than awesome, but then some..thing took me by the hands and lead me to a hurricane. So to think, I'd just broken out from my shell. It was my break from my virtual life. Then suddenly I was bombarded by a potato pirate with confetti and rainbow sprinkles.

I felt like Anna from Frozen as the gates were finally opened. Really, no joke. Only that I didn't marry a guy I met for  a day. 

For the entire year, I tried to be the perfect daughter. I wasn't a star student, but I tried my best and I know I've learned a lot from that school year, then I chose my friends and rarely went out to hangout with people. It was all family, family, school, school then maybe a lot of hobbies, and hobbies... But I wasn't really able to socialize propery. As a teen, I know I needed to socialize. I mean, how will I survive when I'll be standing on my own? 

That day I mentioned awhile ago was one very remarkable day: I was finally allowed to join the Youth Org. in our neighborhood. My happiness was incomprehensible.

But I was caught by surprise by some.. awesome inevitable gummy worm. 

The cheesy words came, and the awesome times, the heart emoticons and the texts c: I'm not saying I didn't like it, I mean.. it's just that It really shocked me. If I were Caucasian I would have blushed a million times. 

I mean, how I wish! That would make me a lot cuter I think.There is the feeling of blood rushing to your cheeks, and would then ransack the place and then rainbow would course through your bloodstream to your entire being. 

At some point I felt like a ten year old girl with a slight gap between her two front teeth who blushes intensely at some boy giving a silly heart drawn to a sheet of paper. 

It's a natural reaction for shy people. 

And oh my gosh. I realized, on this very day. April 14th 2015... It's been a year since all these weird love-drama-stuff happened in my life, and well I would totally like to say thank you to all those 'exes' aka 'Almost lovers' who didn't make it but they made life colorful, ya know? 

I had a wish back then, then I think it became true. 

Wait, is this what I wanted? 

Honestly, I used to be One of the Boys, AKA the girl version of a friendzone. I was too 'boyish' for a guy to have feelings for me. They see me as a bro, or perhaps an awesome sis. Then when school ended for 2014, I vowed to make changes to myself and be more 'girly'. If you need further understanding please listen to the song 'One of the Boys' by Katy Perry. Seriously, that song was the song of my entire summer of that year.
Not everything in the song totally applied my life, okay? The gist of it captured my goal: to be girly. According to the song 'I want to smell like roses, not a baseball team." 

I did many things: Jog with my friend, ate less, and in the end I enrolled myself into swimming lessons plus joined a little swimming competition which involved training. 

April 14 was the day I met my first... uhm. 'almost lover'. We only lasted for two months because when school came, we had to part ways. After that very first summer love, I met another guy somewhere in July. It ended, then another one came some time in September. It ended after three months, then the final one was by the whole month of February. 

People were always there to speculate, especially those who knew me. They had their eyebrow raised when they noticed how the 'weird girl' was not being her usual boring self. The gossips came, but I took it with a pinch of salt, thinking 'this must how being a celebrity feels like' and I tell you, I don't really like it. Yeah, people would finally get to know your name and face but then it's.. just annoying with the false information they give everywhere.

I mean come on, gossip is like a highschool version of Journalism, but instead of giving awareness to a truth, they try to sabotage the truth. 

The thing is: I don't regret meeting those guys. Every 'relationship' gives me something new to learn. First of all, I've learned how it feels like to be in a relationship, that there  are  different people in this world. We also
get to  learn a great deal in ourselves, and most importantly, at every 'break up' our heart's defense system levels up. 

So... Now that it's April 14 again, with a.. possible relationship at hand... Am I ready to face a whole new year of.. This and that?

Thinking about it overwhelms me. I mean, what lies in store for me? 

But nah, all I could say I guess is... 'Bring it on, Life. Try me if you dare.' 

xoxo Final words, Flockmates? Never lose yourself in the process of being with others. We only have ourselves. We're like one column, and the other someone should be like the other column. With the two of you together, you can support something entirely awesome. If you love yourself, you have that one column already installed inside of you, so that one day when your special someone leaves, then at least you can still stand for yourself. Not loving oneself is like leaning over to a column. So..  Be an awesome column and be a greek one too if you like!

As always, live, love and learn, because that's life :)