Passion's Return: Reviving My Dead Muse

Hey, Flockmates :) It’s been months since I last visited this place. I don’t know, but no matter how hard I try, this blog will always be in my heart. Its my sanctuary, a little corner where I could express how I feel in the comfort of words. Little of my real life friends know I even blog, and that makes it a relief because the posts I’ve written in here are intimate muses from my heart. Sometimes I think how silly it all seems, blogging, because you write a bunch of paragraphs to an invisible audience. It’s like talking to yourself, but at the same time talking to a group of people. I think that’s why I like it here. It’s that thin line.

So, what’s up with me? I’ve been struggling for the past few days with a variety of obstacles. I’m overcommited, family feuds, got a bit of cloud stuck in my head, friendship lows and maybe a bit at loss with myself. If those are the bad stuff, there are positive things too that happened. I’m writing again, involving with paper crafts, experimenting with painting, learning how to cook, and I’ve strengthened my bonds with my sisters. 

I’ve made mistakes, flockmates. I made broken promises, and hurt a few people, and I’ve been lazy and selfish, thinking only of myself. I feel really bad, but I have my reasons too.

I’ve lost my love for the publications team, I’m stuck on a certain task at another organization, and my writing... Even  if I said that I’ve been writing again lately... it’s just not the same.

Lately, I’ve been frustrated with my writing. It doesn’t flow as easily as before, my words are not smooth, characters lacking life, scenes needing more dertails, and a lot of writing mishaps in which I’ve caused. Recently, I’ve looked up articles in ‘rekindling the passion’ and this quote plucked a string in my heart. A melody I never thought I would hear again played.

“You must write every single day of your life… You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads…may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ―Ray Bradbury

That’s not the only reason why I’m writing a blog post in TheNothingale after months. There were points that were excruciatingly true.

I’m here to chatter about my love for writing. Forget the fame, the money, the brutal comments, the perfectionism... I’m going to dig deep and return to my core. I’m going back to why I love writing in the first place.

Writing had always been a part of my life. Actually, it’s not just a part. It’s my life.

I recalled writing with only pencil and paper, in illegible handwriting, silly stories of whales and bees and stick people. I was very young, maybe 5 or 6. I had an extremely huge imagination...

 And maybe that was the core reason which lead me to pick up the pen.

Imagination.

It was the start of a storm that would haunt my life for an entire decade.

From there, I grew to love writing for other reasons too. It was an outlet for my thoughts and emotions: Expression.

I was probably like love-sick Romeo even at a young age because I could not count all the poems I’ve written for my childhood crush. Whenever my heart gets crushed by unrequitted love, my muse was always there for me. 

Another reason was the joy of showing my work to the world.

I was introduced to commercial writing at Third grade, at the age of 8 or 9. At first, it was the pure bliss of seeing others liking your work. I remembered carrying more notebooks in my bag that my other peers. Why? Those notebooks contained stories. They were my ‘pretend’ books in which I show to others.

I even had a little system back then. I would write stories, then show them to my classmates. They would read and I remember studying their reactions intently. I got positive reactions, to the point where some people would bug me for more material to read. “El, do you have new stories?” They’d ask. Oh, I was so ecstatic.

As I grew older, my writing evolved too. From silly comics and little stories, I eventually started to write in paragraphs. As I aged, they grew longer and longer.

The world also grew bigger for me. Not only that, life also had its hands gripping at my throat and a bunch of other teenage stuff.

Then came in the presence of other writers, Critiques, and the reality of publication, editors, and how competitive the world is.

As I write this post, I realize that my core love for writing had been filled with other clutter. That’s why the fire, the love, was fading.

What about those times when I  would question my talent?

Back in the day, my writing was pure. No other hidden intention, I simply wrote because I loved it. It was literary innocence. As the years went on, I discovered more of the writing world, how others were better than me, and the fact that if you have the talent for it, you’ll be credited more, and you’ll grow famous and rich...etc.

I started questioning myself whether I had what it takes to be a published author, and my writing had been encircling around it ever since.

Maybe that’s the stone blocking the river. Maybe I forgot passion in my journey to excellence.

 

I realize, when was the last time I wrote out of the love of it?

Lol, maybe now! I’m loving every single moment of my blog! Riding my thoughts as it rises and falls.

Gosh, I can feel it coming back to me again.

I want to cry, like, right now because trying to mend these broken writing bones meant rediscovering the real me.

Alright, that’s it for today... I guess my mission has been accomplished! I’m feeling way better now, and... I feel healed, rejuvenated, brought back from the dead.

Final words?

Things are different now. My childhood had a different world compared to my present. Everyone I used to know grew, and changed. The writing world is bigger than I thought, full of sheep and sharks, and I feel like swimming in the middle of it all. But what I want to take from this post, forever, is the idea of passion.

I may not me the best writer in the world, but I love what I do, so why bother? I can’t imagine myself without writing, and I think it was destiny that brought me here.

It was probably not a coincidence on why I was accepted in the publications team when I was 11. There must be a reason on why I was selected as the Editor-in-Chief of our school.

Hey the world around me is now a pretty hue of yellow, brought by all these realizations. I feel enlightened. (Or maybe the yellow is simply the sun seeping through my window? xD)

Even if I despise calling my long-time hobby a talent, much more when people call me talented, I think I’d like to call myself unique. I think it suits me better that way. Maybe if  I follow this path of literary madness, it might lead me somewhere. I don’t really know where, but I’m sure it’ll be awesome. Because if you follow your heart, the journey may be perilous and others may call it foolish, but you know... that in the end, you’ll be right where you belong, and it could truly make you happy.

Keep on following your passion, dream, wish, goal in life.  :) Keep on living, loving and learning~

And don’t stop! ;)

Awesome blog post inspired by: http://writersrelief.com/blog/2015/02/falling-love-writing-rekindle-flame/

 Thank you so, so, so much!  I couldn't have done it without you guys.

My Name is Nothing: A Comeback Post

Remember those tears, late night thinking, heart breaking, and emotional writing? They were so worth it. I should have said “So worth it in the end” but this isn’t the end! In fact, this phase I’m going through is just a new beginning. For so long I have searched and learned wisdom, tried to apply positivity into my life. At this moment, I could say that my life has dramatically changed since I, well, desired change!

Things aren’t perfect, I tell you, but you can really sense it: The scent of transformation. Realizing the fact that you’re not the same person as a couple months ago is so surreal! Because back then, this moment I’m now was just a dream and nothing more. I never expected for this vision to be certainly alive. This must be how growth feels like. I can say that I am now a better, wiser, and stronger person all because of the choices I’ve made.

The funny thing about maturity and wisdom is that people can’t see it, and you can’t blurt it out like wit or humor. My friends are going through stuff, drama, and they cry out negativity and complain a lot. In my case, it’s all like a reality show to me. Despite knowing my capability to give advice and stuff, I am still a firm believer of experience being the best teacher. If there’s something I learned is that we cannot force or change people into how we think they should be. I’ve studied a hefty amount of articles about “being yourself’” to be aware enough that we should discover ourselves, and appreciate what we have. I apply that concept to others too. We can’t be the bearer of their answers, but we totally know that we’ll always have something to say if they ask for opinions or advice.

So, how am I doing, really? One word: challenge. First of all, I had just been given the position of Editor-in-chief of our publication team, and I’m trying to be a good student too! Anyway, what about love? The irony behind everything is, over the summer, I’ve been singing almost nothing but love but now? Nah. I don’t think I have space or time for it now. I mean, my friends keep on talking about their relationship woes and joys and what about me? Just a listener, a witness. I have labeled a couple people as my ‘crush’ but you’ll know if it’s truly love or not. Maybe it’s because I’m focusing on myself and career? That may be the case. The thing is, when people say love, all they think of is romantic love. I admit I do feel a bit lonely sometimes. The world is all love, love, love and it feels like Valentine ’s Day when they do that, but once life has given you darkness, you’ll see love in ways you’ve never imagined before.

Love, is a beautiful thing. It is one of the magical elements of life. Other people are lucky to have it from the moment they were children to when they’re in their later years in life. Some aren’t very fortunate. They don’t receive it very often, or they’ve become wise enough to realize that love is not as hard to earn as it seems. There are many instances in life when it is present, but we often overlook these precious gems in a sea of negativity. We don’t need to do drastic things; the worst is being untrue to ourselves. All we need is a bit of perspective.

Guys, I would like to reveal the meaning of my name. It is French for nothing. Ever since I knew what it meant, I felt bad about it because I really do like my name. You don’t see people named Larrien every day, unless you live next-door to someone named as such. But do you know what? I realized that being nothing isn’t so bad at all, because without nothing, you can’t have everything. Did I make sense?

Being nothing allowed me to listen more, to further understand life, to learn more and to see things in different perspectives.

Having nothing allows me to be less materialistic, set better goals, appreciate life better, and cherish every moment that come my way.

Because if we do think about it, the non-materialistic things in life may seem like nothing. Love? Peace? Happiness? Freedom? We can’t see that! Since when did we see a person pointing to something and say “Look! It’s love!”  We never did. It doesn’t take the form a spooky mist, sparkly magical glitter, or colorful flashes of light. Nope, nada, that’s why these things are called abstract. We can’t see them, but we feel them.

These unseen things, they can be referred to as ‘nothing’ if we think about it realistically. We can’t sense them, but  they are actually everything, if we go to the bigger picture.

If there is one thing I could truly say about what changed from my life back then to my life now? I’ve finally realized that NOTHING isn’t that bad. For so long, I’ve tried to be who I am not. Well, I do know how to fight when I’m oppressed, or I know how to voice out my opinions in a discussion but, it just wasn’t perfect. I am not an outspoken person whose words flow fluid like how my words flow from my fingertips. I used to fight ME so much that I forgot who I really am for a certain time. Fortunately, life taught me well to the point where I could come up with these realizations. I am unique with my own strengths and flaws.

If there is one thing I have learned? It’s that we should know about, learn from and try to love ourselves.

Final words? I miss this blog so much. Reading my past posts (and the off-site passages I’ve written) make me proud of myself. Sadly,  I have kept myself away from this blog for a couple months to the point of forgetting it already, but you know what? I don’t regret being offline for quite some time. Those days showed me life outside this virtual world. I was actually living my life, and learning, and loving. I was taking flight as the Nothingale through storms and cerulean skies.

Do you guys know why I came back? It’s to go back to my roots. Like the Nothingale I am, I still sing, and most certainly, I always remember to fly low when I’ve already learned how to fly high. :)

Xoxo Keep on living, loving, and learning! 

Back On Track: Rebirth, Warriors and Pirates

Summer is coming to an end over here. Soon, everything will be all about school again, and social life drama and the love for sleep. So, how am I today? These past few days? First of all, I had just discovered the power of breathing. Taking deep breaths is very useful as simple as it may be.

My life is not yet all sparkles and glitter. I know it's never going to work that way. What I'm sure is that I am taking on a journey jammed with optimism and the hope that all will turn out well. My motivation is slowly creeping back in, and other than my blog, I'm back to writing my stories which have been left for quite some time now.

I'm slowly going back to being me. Recently, I have a few minor health problems which reminds me to have a healthier lifestyle. Currently, I'm suffering an ear infection and sinusitis brought by a day full of swimming, which was last week.

I'm going through a transformation these days: a good transformation though! I'm not saying it isn't easy. Especially when I'm weak and cranky these days. I haven't gotten out since early May. I miss seeing the moon every night, witnessing it's gradual changes, the trees bearing orange flowers, the cats, the roosters, the stars and most importantly, feeling the night breeze, but soon I'll be leaving once again to be alone, for school.

The fires of life are going back into me. I can't wait to feel the vibrating passion once again, to rise from the ashes and slay the new school year with my blazing spears and lances.

I'm sick of living like a zombie. I'm sick of submitting to what other people want me to do. I know it sounds selfish but I need some time to be me too. The wrong people may have came and left from my domain, but that doesn't mean the right people aren't coming my way.

There are 7 billion people in the world. Why worry and take pressure on a selected few and allow them ruin your life?

Oh, and I've gotten back into RPG gaming as well. Old school gaming, to specifically point out.

The best thing I've learned is that beyond weapons, armor and cool pets, warriors need to have a proper attitude. There is a lot to work on: Skills training, experience, and leveling up. There are times when they experience death, but we need to do it again to get past it. We need to work on leveling up and remove the fear of failing, or lets say, dying. Warriors need to have a positive mind, that they can take down every monster they encounter. It won't be easy but in the end there will be rewards through gold, and something that is far more precious: Experience. Once received, it cannot be spent or stolen.

I like the warrior attitude. All my childhood I'd like to see myself as a warrior-princess. I'm a damsel who likes to play it rough, yet not cheap. I'm not even physically strong, try letting me punch you, heck you won't even feel a thing. I'd like to show my battle maiden attitude through life: That I'm strong, and can be independent, reliable, and can get past difficulties with grace of course. I'm setting my eyes on the crown, knowing that one day, I will be ready to be Queen. I will be an awesome woman who respects herself, is mature, wise, with a heart of gold and glitter, becoming a living sunflower, scattering positivity and wisdom to the world.

Times may be tough now, but it will just pass and I know it will get better. Of course, I need to also do my part to make it better. Work cannot be achieved by just being static. It's basic Physics.

So, last words, flockmates? Don't give up. We can do this. We can eventually live our dreams. Let go of the past, but keep the memories and the lessons learned. Live for the present moment and enjoy every single morsel of today because you'll never get another 'today', EVER. Also, keep an eye on the future, but don't be too submerged into it. Set a vision. Have a picture of what you'd like to see yourself years from now. Be like a pirate who, even though he can't see a thing but endless water, knows he'll find land. He envisions it, that everyday he checks if there is land on sight. He doesn't just sit there and wait, he steers his wheel, keeps track of the stars and does other pirate-y stuff. Eventually after months or weeks of hardwork, he eventually finds land. And think about all the gold he'll have!

You can do it, I believe in you! Keep on living, loving and learning! xoxo

Honesty Sets Us Free

I had a friend. I exaggerate on the ‘had’. We met when I joined this organization, and I don’t know if it’s just me but we kind off had a happy moment together because we happened to connect in so many things in so little time. It was surprising. It was a storm. I was totally taken by surprise, by him.

We hanged out for two days, but suddenly he stopped from the third.

It was almost heart-breaking. Why? He set my hopes up high that finally I would have a friend that I could totally relate with. I was excited, imagining the days ahead. Maybe we would talk all about our fave topics, or maybe laugh at some awesome joke we made.

The sudden disappearance brought me to limbo. Everytime I make conversation, he would just give me short responses. I don’t know why. People sometimes teased us that we’re a couple, but I’m sure he’s mature enough not to care! The thing here is, the thought of wanting to know why bothered me more than ever.

I wanted to say it over Facebook, but it doesn’t seem to be a likely place for it. I can’t say it in real life because we’re barely friends anymore.

At one point I decided ‘what if I won’t say a thing?!’ but then the thought still annoys me and I had a strong urge to just say what I needed to say.

And guess what? Eventually, I did. It took me a couple rewrites to do it. One time I thought I made the perfect message, but doubt took me in, and so I  deleted everything. Actually, I literally exited the entire browser as soon as I realized I had clicked ‘send’.

But then it became more than that. Minutes after sending it, I felt a huge wave of euphoria. I was tremendously happy, because I felt like I was free! But not yet, though. I still don’t know his answer. What would his response be? Well, that doesn’t matter! I feel like I don’t care anymore! Because for once,  I told the truth and I’ve never felt so in tune with myself in such a long time.

I was so happy, that I thought maybe I should be more honest often.  Honestly literally freed me from fear. The truth will truly set us free. So, what is really holding us back from saying what we really want? The chains of doubt, fear, and negativity. They are monsters we need to fight.

Anyway, flockmates. I finally did it!!! I am so, so so so happy.

I may or may not lose a friend tonight, but atleast I can finally sleep much better, and live easier because I know I have the ability to free the truth. I can never know what’s on the other side, that’s why I asked! I can’t read his frickin’ mind, for god’s sake! But that doesn’t matter, the honesty I gave acted like a layer of armor over me. Even if he leaves this very second, at least I had closure, and there’s no other thing every relationship need than closure, and honesty.

I tell you, nothing compares to the feeling freedom gives.  Finally, The Nothingale finally figured out how to be utterly free. Not only can I sing about my feelings, but I am slowly in a journey to unravel how to sing every piece of morsel in my mind to the world. This freedom may help me soar higher than I ever thought I could be.

Last words, flockmates? Just say how you feel, and then celebrate it afterwards because in this world where honesty is a lonely trait, you did it. You are an awesome, honest person.

And to be honest? I love you, Internet peeps! I wish you with all my might the best in your lives!!

Live, Love and Learn, That's Life

Let's face it, it's never nice to overthink. As girls, we loathe it when we over react, while boys find that one trait annoying when it comes to their chicks. Not all maybe, but I do know a lot to testify that.

I have to speak in picturesque speech because... Well, he might just read this. 

I was finally glad to be able to go out after lots of years being an awesome hermit. The sun was nice, the people were more than awesome, but then some..thing took me by the hands and lead me to a hurricane. So to think, I'd just broken out from my shell. It was my break from my virtual life. Then suddenly I was bombarded by a potato pirate with confetti and rainbow sprinkles.

I felt like Anna from Frozen as the gates were finally opened. Really, no joke. Only that I didn't marry a guy I met for  a day. 

For the entire year, I tried to be the perfect daughter. I wasn't a star student, but I tried my best and I know I've learned a lot from that school year, then I chose my friends and rarely went out to hangout with people. It was all family, family, school, school then maybe a lot of hobbies, and hobbies... But I wasn't really able to socialize propery. As a teen, I know I needed to socialize. I mean, how will I survive when I'll be standing on my own? 

That day I mentioned awhile ago was one very remarkable day: I was finally allowed to join the Youth Org. in our neighborhood. My happiness was incomprehensible.

But I was caught by surprise by some.. awesome inevitable gummy worm. 

The cheesy words came, and the awesome times, the heart emoticons and the texts c: I'm not saying I didn't like it, I mean.. it's just that It really shocked me. If I were Caucasian I would have blushed a million times. 

I mean, how I wish! That would make me a lot cuter I think.There is the feeling of blood rushing to your cheeks, and would then ransack the place and then rainbow would course through your bloodstream to your entire being. 

At some point I felt like a ten year old girl with a slight gap between her two front teeth who blushes intensely at some boy giving a silly heart drawn to a sheet of paper. 

It's a natural reaction for shy people. 

And oh my gosh. I realized, on this very day. April 14th 2015... It's been a year since all these weird love-drama-stuff happened in my life, and well I would totally like to say thank you to all those 'exes' aka 'Almost lovers' who didn't make it but they made life colorful, ya know? 

I had a wish back then, then I think it became true. 

Wait, is this what I wanted? 

Honestly, I used to be One of the Boys, AKA the girl version of a friendzone. I was too 'boyish' for a guy to have feelings for me. They see me as a bro, or perhaps an awesome sis. Then when school ended for 2014, I vowed to make changes to myself and be more 'girly'. If you need further understanding please listen to the song 'One of the Boys' by Katy Perry. Seriously, that song was the song of my entire summer of that year.
Not everything in the song totally applied my life, okay? The gist of it captured my goal: to be girly. According to the song 'I want to smell like roses, not a baseball team." 

I did many things: Jog with my friend, ate less, and in the end I enrolled myself into swimming lessons plus joined a little swimming competition which involved training. 

April 14 was the day I met my first... uhm. 'almost lover'. We only lasted for two months because when school came, we had to part ways. After that very first summer love, I met another guy somewhere in July. It ended, then another one came some time in September. It ended after three months, then the final one was by the whole month of February. 

People were always there to speculate, especially those who knew me. They had their eyebrow raised when they noticed how the 'weird girl' was not being her usual boring self. The gossips came, but I took it with a pinch of salt, thinking 'this must how being a celebrity feels like' and I tell you, I don't really like it. Yeah, people would finally get to know your name and face but then it's.. just annoying with the false information they give everywhere.

I mean come on, gossip is like a highschool version of Journalism, but instead of giving awareness to a truth, they try to sabotage the truth. 

The thing is: I don't regret meeting those guys. Every 'relationship' gives me something new to learn. First of all, I've learned how it feels like to be in a relationship, that there  are  different people in this world. We also
get to  learn a great deal in ourselves, and most importantly, at every 'break up' our heart's defense system levels up. 

So... Now that it's April 14 again, with a.. possible relationship at hand... Am I ready to face a whole new year of.. This and that?

Thinking about it overwhelms me. I mean, what lies in store for me? 

But nah, all I could say I guess is... 'Bring it on, Life. Try me if you dare.' 

xoxo Final words, Flockmates? Never lose yourself in the process of being with others. We only have ourselves. We're like one column, and the other someone should be like the other column. With the two of you together, you can support something entirely awesome. If you love yourself, you have that one column already installed inside of you, so that one day when your special someone leaves, then at least you can still stand for yourself. Not loving oneself is like leaning over to a column. So..  Be an awesome column and be a greek one too if you like!

As always, live, love and learn, because that's life :)