I Was The One That Got Away

I’ll never forget that one night. The stars were out, the crickets chirp and you wanted to meet up. I couldn’t resist, because I felt like I was stuffed inside my house for too long. Besides, I also wanted to feel the night atmosphere, watch the stars and feel the cool wind blowing against me.

When he said he loved me, I had doubt building at the back of my mind. I remember the words of Elsa from Frozen: “You can’t marry a man you just met.” The same goes for ‘love’. I don’t believe in ‘love at first sight’. I do believe that two people can instantly connect with one another at first glance, but love needs more than that.

I didn’t trust him yet. It was all too soon.

I swear I saw the hurt in his eyes the moment I backed away from him, when I told him I had to leave. It was an act out of impulse. For a moment, I allowed my inner self to control my actions. He was too advanced, too quick for my healing heart.

He should’ve known better that trust is not so easily earned! I want my guy to not only be my lover, but a best friend. I’m usually the kind of person who likes to see the good side of people, who appreciates everyone for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I’ll love every guy that comes knocking at my door. My heart and mind are two different things. I can like you, understand you, and talk with you because all it takes is a different point of view but the heart is not so easily changed.

I do believe that love can be achieved through respect, trust and mutual understanding. The kind of love that needs effort, time, and a lot of communication to work. I can’t really say I fully believe the concept of Soulmates and Fate. I’d like to believe they’re true. That there is someone out there designed just for you.

What I do know for sure is that, every person we meet brings us something new to learn, mostly in ourselves.

So, do I regret leaving him torn, in the darkness and silence, just when he was hoping to see me? I felt guilty as I recalled his expression as I left. I never intend to hurt people, even those who hurt me or who I have to hurt. That’s why I’m a sucker for love: I’m too soft, sensitive and sweet. Fortunately, I have a mind who reminds me to do the right thing. My heart screamed that I should immediately take back my words and enjoy the night with him, but my head’s gently reminding me that this isn’t what I wanted in the first place, that I’m just going to do it out of pity, not of love.

I think I should have no regrets at all, because I did my part by being completely honest. The moment I reached home, I phoned him and said sorry and explained that I couldn’t love someone I barely know and trust. I was hurting him  a bit, but I was being honest to myself. At least I put a premature end to a budding relationship that was bound to go nowhere. I’m actually doing us a favor by saving time, effort and tears.

This is the part when the climax is hanging by a thread. What happened tonight may only lead to the following events in the next few days:

1.)    He’ll hate me forever, thus finding another girl

2.)    He’ll understand and he’ll reflect on his actions and we may talk

3.)    He’ll go the extra mile by still being friends with me and we’ll undergo a lot of the ‘getting-to-know’ stage and who knows what we’ll both find?

Yes, I am friendzoning him. Actually, I’m friendzoning every guy that comes my way because I know I’m not ready. The friendzone doesn’t mean it’s the end of a relationship. Sometimes, the girl likes the guy but is just isn’t ready to say she loves him back! Love is amazing but it isn’t as chill and laidback as we think it is: it isn’t instant, it doesn’t always go your way and most importantly, it isn’t perfect.

Final words, flockmates? Honesty and open communication are two key components in relationships. It would be better if feelings were spilled before than leaked horribly after. Breaking it up to someone sucks. Honestly, it hurts us too, but not as much as the other one. As the time-old quote says: Prevention is better than cure. It’s the same in love too. Don’t go into a relationship if it doesn’t feel right for you. Everyone deserves to be with someone they love. By breaking it slowly into your soon ex, you’re doing them a favor because you know that… they deserve better. They deserve someone who actually loves them and you deserve someone you actually love.

Xoxo Keep on loving, learning and living!

Honesty Sets Us Free

I had a friend. I exaggerate on the ‘had’. We met when I joined this organization, and I don’t know if it’s just me but we kind off had a happy moment together because we happened to connect in so many things in so little time. It was surprising. It was a storm. I was totally taken by surprise, by him.

We hanged out for two days, but suddenly he stopped from the third.

It was almost heart-breaking. Why? He set my hopes up high that finally I would have a friend that I could totally relate with. I was excited, imagining the days ahead. Maybe we would talk all about our fave topics, or maybe laugh at some awesome joke we made.

The sudden disappearance brought me to limbo. Everytime I make conversation, he would just give me short responses. I don’t know why. People sometimes teased us that we’re a couple, but I’m sure he’s mature enough not to care! The thing here is, the thought of wanting to know why bothered me more than ever.

I wanted to say it over Facebook, but it doesn’t seem to be a likely place for it. I can’t say it in real life because we’re barely friends anymore.

At one point I decided ‘what if I won’t say a thing?!’ but then the thought still annoys me and I had a strong urge to just say what I needed to say.

And guess what? Eventually, I did. It took me a couple rewrites to do it. One time I thought I made the perfect message, but doubt took me in, and so I  deleted everything. Actually, I literally exited the entire browser as soon as I realized I had clicked ‘send’.

But then it became more than that. Minutes after sending it, I felt a huge wave of euphoria. I was tremendously happy, because I felt like I was free! But not yet, though. I still don’t know his answer. What would his response be? Well, that doesn’t matter! I feel like I don’t care anymore! Because for once,  I told the truth and I’ve never felt so in tune with myself in such a long time.

I was so happy, that I thought maybe I should be more honest often.  Honestly literally freed me from fear. The truth will truly set us free. So, what is really holding us back from saying what we really want? The chains of doubt, fear, and negativity. They are monsters we need to fight.

Anyway, flockmates. I finally did it!!! I am so, so so so happy.

I may or may not lose a friend tonight, but atleast I can finally sleep much better, and live easier because I know I have the ability to free the truth. I can never know what’s on the other side, that’s why I asked! I can’t read his frickin’ mind, for god’s sake! But that doesn’t matter, the honesty I gave acted like a layer of armor over me. Even if he leaves this very second, at least I had closure, and there’s no other thing every relationship need than closure, and honesty.

I tell you, nothing compares to the feeling freedom gives.  Finally, The Nothingale finally figured out how to be utterly free. Not only can I sing about my feelings, but I am slowly in a journey to unravel how to sing every piece of morsel in my mind to the world. This freedom may help me soar higher than I ever thought I could be.

Last words, flockmates? Just say how you feel, and then celebrate it afterwards because in this world where honesty is a lonely trait, you did it. You are an awesome, honest person.

And to be honest? I love you, Internet peeps! I wish you with all my might the best in your lives!!

Not The Right Mix?

This is somewhat a sequel to the post before this: Live, Love,Learn: That's Life! 

If you haven't read that one, then you might not understand some things here but if you persist, then you are always free to do so.

Anyway, I asked a question to the Universe yesterday, and guess what? Fate answered me with an emotional disturbance. Fate broke my heart, boohoo, and no I didn't eat lots of ice cream, watched romance movies and an entire roll of tissue paper crying my heart out: It was just a little ache.

Despite the size, pain is still pain, and I tell you, it still hurts. If I were to compare it, it would be a little cut while real heartbreak is a broken bone.

So what made my heart break in pieces, you may wonder? But nah, I won't talk about it here. Let's just say it's a relationship that just wasn't meant to be and isn't supposed to be there in the first place. He's moving on and I've just got out from my shell. I wanted to enjoy myself and the open air first but then he suddenly popped out like Freddy Frazbear. Eeesh, creepy.

I already knew this would happen from the very first day I met him, when we got to know each other a bit. I had the feeling I was bound to be a rebound. Hey, at least that rhymes, right?

Anyway, Fate really responded well, that I'm not ready for all this. In fact, I wasn't even ready at all, to begin with. Before all these happened, I was focusing my energy on honing my hobbies and improving myself. I was trying to find 'Me'. Well, I know she's here but I don't feel her. I'm in a limbo and supposedly I wasn't to be disturbed.

I need to "Be with myself and center, clarity, peace, and serenity.' as Fergie sang.

But yay! Thank Universe for my mini-ache. But perhaps blame it on PMS for the heightened mood. Maybe that's why my pain is amplified.

Soooo I think I should end it here.

xoxoxoxox   Final word, Flockmates?  Sometimes things don't happen the way you expect them to be because maybe it's just not the right mix. Always remember to never worry, because creating the perfect taste needs a lot of taste-testing and re-dos. Soon, we'll eventually meet that perfect mix, and by that time, you'll say to yourself. "Hey, this is worth all the tears, years and heartbreaks!".

Love and learn, as always.






Little, tiny bit of last words: Oh my, Or perhaps I was just overreacting/overthinking? :o

Live, Love and Learn, That's Life

Let's face it, it's never nice to overthink. As girls, we loathe it when we over react, while boys find that one trait annoying when it comes to their chicks. Not all maybe, but I do know a lot to testify that.

I have to speak in picturesque speech because... Well, he might just read this. 

I was finally glad to be able to go out after lots of years being an awesome hermit. The sun was nice, the people were more than awesome, but then some..thing took me by the hands and lead me to a hurricane. So to think, I'd just broken out from my shell. It was my break from my virtual life. Then suddenly I was bombarded by a potato pirate with confetti and rainbow sprinkles.

I felt like Anna from Frozen as the gates were finally opened. Really, no joke. Only that I didn't marry a guy I met for  a day. 

For the entire year, I tried to be the perfect daughter. I wasn't a star student, but I tried my best and I know I've learned a lot from that school year, then I chose my friends and rarely went out to hangout with people. It was all family, family, school, school then maybe a lot of hobbies, and hobbies... But I wasn't really able to socialize propery. As a teen, I know I needed to socialize. I mean, how will I survive when I'll be standing on my own? 

That day I mentioned awhile ago was one very remarkable day: I was finally allowed to join the Youth Org. in our neighborhood. My happiness was incomprehensible.

But I was caught by surprise by some.. awesome inevitable gummy worm. 

The cheesy words came, and the awesome times, the heart emoticons and the texts c: I'm not saying I didn't like it, I mean.. it's just that It really shocked me. If I were Caucasian I would have blushed a million times. 

I mean, how I wish! That would make me a lot cuter I think.There is the feeling of blood rushing to your cheeks, and would then ransack the place and then rainbow would course through your bloodstream to your entire being. 

At some point I felt like a ten year old girl with a slight gap between her two front teeth who blushes intensely at some boy giving a silly heart drawn to a sheet of paper. 

It's a natural reaction for shy people. 

And oh my gosh. I realized, on this very day. April 14th 2015... It's been a year since all these weird love-drama-stuff happened in my life, and well I would totally like to say thank you to all those 'exes' aka 'Almost lovers' who didn't make it but they made life colorful, ya know? 

I had a wish back then, then I think it became true. 

Wait, is this what I wanted? 

Honestly, I used to be One of the Boys, AKA the girl version of a friendzone. I was too 'boyish' for a guy to have feelings for me. They see me as a bro, or perhaps an awesome sis. Then when school ended for 2014, I vowed to make changes to myself and be more 'girly'. If you need further understanding please listen to the song 'One of the Boys' by Katy Perry. Seriously, that song was the song of my entire summer of that year.
Not everything in the song totally applied my life, okay? The gist of it captured my goal: to be girly. According to the song 'I want to smell like roses, not a baseball team." 

I did many things: Jog with my friend, ate less, and in the end I enrolled myself into swimming lessons plus joined a little swimming competition which involved training. 

April 14 was the day I met my first... uhm. 'almost lover'. We only lasted for two months because when school came, we had to part ways. After that very first summer love, I met another guy somewhere in July. It ended, then another one came some time in September. It ended after three months, then the final one was by the whole month of February. 

People were always there to speculate, especially those who knew me. They had their eyebrow raised when they noticed how the 'weird girl' was not being her usual boring self. The gossips came, but I took it with a pinch of salt, thinking 'this must how being a celebrity feels like' and I tell you, I don't really like it. Yeah, people would finally get to know your name and face but then it's.. just annoying with the false information they give everywhere.

I mean come on, gossip is like a highschool version of Journalism, but instead of giving awareness to a truth, they try to sabotage the truth. 

The thing is: I don't regret meeting those guys. Every 'relationship' gives me something new to learn. First of all, I've learned how it feels like to be in a relationship, that there  are  different people in this world. We also
get to  learn a great deal in ourselves, and most importantly, at every 'break up' our heart's defense system levels up. 

So... Now that it's April 14 again, with a.. possible relationship at hand... Am I ready to face a whole new year of.. This and that?

Thinking about it overwhelms me. I mean, what lies in store for me? 

But nah, all I could say I guess is... 'Bring it on, Life. Try me if you dare.' 

xoxo Final words, Flockmates? Never lose yourself in the process of being with others. We only have ourselves. We're like one column, and the other someone should be like the other column. With the two of you together, you can support something entirely awesome. If you love yourself, you have that one column already installed inside of you, so that one day when your special someone leaves, then at least you can still stand for yourself. Not loving oneself is like leaning over to a column. So..  Be an awesome column and be a greek one too if you like!

As always, live, love and learn, because that's life :)

So Many Things To Do So Little Time

So it's true that Life is indeed short, and we only live once. This world is vast, full of exciting things to try! Who doesn't want to experience them all? This doesn't mean life has to be easy, or in good times all the time, sometimes, we experience our personal downfalls. It's totally okay to have bad times. Everyone's got them. What matters is that Life must go on, and no matter what, we still have that drive to live.

When you're down in a ditch, think about all the great things in life. Your dreams, your goals, all the exciting experiences you'd want to try someday. There will be children who'll smile and laugh, loved ones who'll hold our hearts, friends and pets who'll make our day... These are the gems we hold on to. When the things we hold on to dissolve into nothingness, and the lights will go out, we hold on to the things that cannot even be held. The music of our hearts...

A short post.. But hope it made your day, Flockmates! :)

What Linked In Taught Me

A miracle fell into my life today by its glorious parachute. I’d just been introduced to LinkedIn, and guess what, in the first few hours I’ve known its presence; it has already changed my life. I’ve heard of the website before. At first, I thought it was just another social network bound to make me lonelier, an alternative social site to boast where I’ve been or what awards I’ve accomplished.

Setting up my profile made me see life as it is, that this is who I am and these are what I offer into the world. The website made me aware of my identity. Even if my profile is barren and cold, my soul is burning with something far more precious. This passion would not have been made possible if I hadn’t known that site.

First of all, it allowed me to peek into my personal self. I realized I still have a lot of things to work on in shaping my character. I have to build up my self-esteem, self-confidence and learn to ease my mild social anxiety. These serve as a foundation to make way for more goals to achieve.

 Linkedin also caused me to have a career-oriented mind. More and more teens are getting involved in risky lifestyles such as drinking, smoking, taking drugs and engaging in sexual practices. I’ve personally seen ladies who became mothers at a young age. Personally, I know how difficult it is to raise a child from my observations on my own siblings. I’ve seen it all from the costs, to the tantrums, and especially babies who are prone to diseases. Being a mother isn’t a joke. It’s far from easy. Joining the site gives me reminders to be busy in some other way. There are a lot of things to preoccupy myself. There are so many ways to spend this immense energy I have in myself as a teenager.

For the last three years of my life as a minor, I will spend it to improve myself, learn new skills and gain new experiences. Most importantly, I would like to hone the traits needed in this competitive world: Discipline, good work ethics, punctuality, resourcefulness and a whole lot more.

Final word, flockmates? Greatness does not simply come to us. We have to choose to be great, and work our way to greatness. Like Happiness, peace, health and positivity, Greatness is a choice, or perhaps, a decision.

Decide to be great. Dare to be great. C:

Little Optimism After Mini Heartbreak

If someone likes you, and you find out you don't reciprocate those feelings, have at least some decency to be kind about it. I mean, some girls don't whine and give a damn care if their guy would like them or not, it's just a crush, for God's sake! And it would be awesome if someone liked you than everyone to hate you all at once. And so to think, I'm not looking forward to have a relationship with him. He's just some random guy addicted to mint candy who brought me back to rock, to the music close to my heart and soul and my whole being.

Well, how can I be so sure? I always come up with conclusions all the time so maybe I read the signs wrong? My heart, being so sensitive must have picked up the signs wrong and made a big deal out of something so small.

But anyway, I thank you world for allowing me to meet him. If not for him, I would have never made friends in this neighborhood, and so to think I've lived in this block for 6 years! They changed me from the girl who sits in front of the computer 24/7 to someone who finally goes out for her goodness' sake. From that pearl hidden in her shell, he brought me out by showing me the music I thought were long gone.

I'll never forget him, maybe? But if there are guys like him who exist in this world, then that makes it more exciting. Awesome guys like him still exist.

Ha, oh thanks for making my teenage life more colorful. Provides me more inspiration to do my art, and well, in a few years from now I'll laugh at this and think how silly I was as a teen xD Make memories while it last guys because life is short... Make memories :)