My Name is Nothing: A Comeback Post

Remember those tears, late night thinking, heart breaking, and emotional writing? They were so worth it. I should have said “So worth it in the end” but this isn’t the end! In fact, this phase I’m going through is just a new beginning. For so long I have searched and learned wisdom, tried to apply positivity into my life. At this moment, I could say that my life has dramatically changed since I, well, desired change!

Things aren’t perfect, I tell you, but you can really sense it: The scent of transformation. Realizing the fact that you’re not the same person as a couple months ago is so surreal! Because back then, this moment I’m now was just a dream and nothing more. I never expected for this vision to be certainly alive. This must be how growth feels like. I can say that I am now a better, wiser, and stronger person all because of the choices I’ve made.

The funny thing about maturity and wisdom is that people can’t see it, and you can’t blurt it out like wit or humor. My friends are going through stuff, drama, and they cry out negativity and complain a lot. In my case, it’s all like a reality show to me. Despite knowing my capability to give advice and stuff, I am still a firm believer of experience being the best teacher. If there’s something I learned is that we cannot force or change people into how we think they should be. I’ve studied a hefty amount of articles about “being yourself’” to be aware enough that we should discover ourselves, and appreciate what we have. I apply that concept to others too. We can’t be the bearer of their answers, but we totally know that we’ll always have something to say if they ask for opinions or advice.

So, how am I doing, really? One word: challenge. First of all, I had just been given the position of Editor-in-chief of our publication team, and I’m trying to be a good student too! Anyway, what about love? The irony behind everything is, over the summer, I’ve been singing almost nothing but love but now? Nah. I don’t think I have space or time for it now. I mean, my friends keep on talking about their relationship woes and joys and what about me? Just a listener, a witness. I have labeled a couple people as my ‘crush’ but you’ll know if it’s truly love or not. Maybe it’s because I’m focusing on myself and career? That may be the case. The thing is, when people say love, all they think of is romantic love. I admit I do feel a bit lonely sometimes. The world is all love, love, love and it feels like Valentine ’s Day when they do that, but once life has given you darkness, you’ll see love in ways you’ve never imagined before.

Love, is a beautiful thing. It is one of the magical elements of life. Other people are lucky to have it from the moment they were children to when they’re in their later years in life. Some aren’t very fortunate. They don’t receive it very often, or they’ve become wise enough to realize that love is not as hard to earn as it seems. There are many instances in life when it is present, but we often overlook these precious gems in a sea of negativity. We don’t need to do drastic things; the worst is being untrue to ourselves. All we need is a bit of perspective.

Guys, I would like to reveal the meaning of my name. It is French for nothing. Ever since I knew what it meant, I felt bad about it because I really do like my name. You don’t see people named Larrien every day, unless you live next-door to someone named as such. But do you know what? I realized that being nothing isn’t so bad at all, because without nothing, you can’t have everything. Did I make sense?

Being nothing allowed me to listen more, to further understand life, to learn more and to see things in different perspectives.

Having nothing allows me to be less materialistic, set better goals, appreciate life better, and cherish every moment that come my way.

Because if we do think about it, the non-materialistic things in life may seem like nothing. Love? Peace? Happiness? Freedom? We can’t see that! Since when did we see a person pointing to something and say “Look! It’s love!”  We never did. It doesn’t take the form a spooky mist, sparkly magical glitter, or colorful flashes of light. Nope, nada, that’s why these things are called abstract. We can’t see them, but we feel them.

These unseen things, they can be referred to as ‘nothing’ if we think about it realistically. We can’t sense them, but  they are actually everything, if we go to the bigger picture.

If there is one thing I could truly say about what changed from my life back then to my life now? I’ve finally realized that NOTHING isn’t that bad. For so long, I’ve tried to be who I am not. Well, I do know how to fight when I’m oppressed, or I know how to voice out my opinions in a discussion but, it just wasn’t perfect. I am not an outspoken person whose words flow fluid like how my words flow from my fingertips. I used to fight ME so much that I forgot who I really am for a certain time. Fortunately, life taught me well to the point where I could come up with these realizations. I am unique with my own strengths and flaws.

If there is one thing I have learned? It’s that we should know about, learn from and try to love ourselves.

Final words? I miss this blog so much. Reading my past posts (and the off-site passages I’ve written) make me proud of myself. Sadly,  I have kept myself away from this blog for a couple months to the point of forgetting it already, but you know what? I don’t regret being offline for quite some time. Those days showed me life outside this virtual world. I was actually living my life, and learning, and loving. I was taking flight as the Nothingale through storms and cerulean skies.

Do you guys know why I came back? It’s to go back to my roots. Like the Nothingale I am, I still sing, and most certainly, I always remember to fly low when I’ve already learned how to fly high. :)

Xoxo Keep on living, loving, and learning! 

Back On Track: Rebirth, Warriors and Pirates

Summer is coming to an end over here. Soon, everything will be all about school again, and social life drama and the love for sleep. So, how am I today? These past few days? First of all, I had just discovered the power of breathing. Taking deep breaths is very useful as simple as it may be.

My life is not yet all sparkles and glitter. I know it's never going to work that way. What I'm sure is that I am taking on a journey jammed with optimism and the hope that all will turn out well. My motivation is slowly creeping back in, and other than my blog, I'm back to writing my stories which have been left for quite some time now.

I'm slowly going back to being me. Recently, I have a few minor health problems which reminds me to have a healthier lifestyle. Currently, I'm suffering an ear infection and sinusitis brought by a day full of swimming, which was last week.

I'm going through a transformation these days: a good transformation though! I'm not saying it isn't easy. Especially when I'm weak and cranky these days. I haven't gotten out since early May. I miss seeing the moon every night, witnessing it's gradual changes, the trees bearing orange flowers, the cats, the roosters, the stars and most importantly, feeling the night breeze, but soon I'll be leaving once again to be alone, for school.

The fires of life are going back into me. I can't wait to feel the vibrating passion once again, to rise from the ashes and slay the new school year with my blazing spears and lances.

I'm sick of living like a zombie. I'm sick of submitting to what other people want me to do. I know it sounds selfish but I need some time to be me too. The wrong people may have came and left from my domain, but that doesn't mean the right people aren't coming my way.

There are 7 billion people in the world. Why worry and take pressure on a selected few and allow them ruin your life?

Oh, and I've gotten back into RPG gaming as well. Old school gaming, to specifically point out.

The best thing I've learned is that beyond weapons, armor and cool pets, warriors need to have a proper attitude. There is a lot to work on: Skills training, experience, and leveling up. There are times when they experience death, but we need to do it again to get past it. We need to work on leveling up and remove the fear of failing, or lets say, dying. Warriors need to have a positive mind, that they can take down every monster they encounter. It won't be easy but in the end there will be rewards through gold, and something that is far more precious: Experience. Once received, it cannot be spent or stolen.

I like the warrior attitude. All my childhood I'd like to see myself as a warrior-princess. I'm a damsel who likes to play it rough, yet not cheap. I'm not even physically strong, try letting me punch you, heck you won't even feel a thing. I'd like to show my battle maiden attitude through life: That I'm strong, and can be independent, reliable, and can get past difficulties with grace of course. I'm setting my eyes on the crown, knowing that one day, I will be ready to be Queen. I will be an awesome woman who respects herself, is mature, wise, with a heart of gold and glitter, becoming a living sunflower, scattering positivity and wisdom to the world.

Times may be tough now, but it will just pass and I know it will get better. Of course, I need to also do my part to make it better. Work cannot be achieved by just being static. It's basic Physics.

So, last words, flockmates? Don't give up. We can do this. We can eventually live our dreams. Let go of the past, but keep the memories and the lessons learned. Live for the present moment and enjoy every single morsel of today because you'll never get another 'today', EVER. Also, keep an eye on the future, but don't be too submerged into it. Set a vision. Have a picture of what you'd like to see yourself years from now. Be like a pirate who, even though he can't see a thing but endless water, knows he'll find land. He envisions it, that everyday he checks if there is land on sight. He doesn't just sit there and wait, he steers his wheel, keeps track of the stars and does other pirate-y stuff. Eventually after months or weeks of hardwork, he eventually finds land. And think about all the gold he'll have!

You can do it, I believe in you! Keep on living, loving and learning! xoxo

I'm No Longer Your Muse

It's a beautiful thing when two people do a duet. The blending of their sweet voices, the music which moves our feet, and the way our thoughts would fly with the musical notes in the air. It always is an amazing thing to be someone's muse. To know you're in a duet with someone who shares the same melodies of your heart.

I was his muse. He was mine, too. I was happy with the fact that I could finally dance with someone. He was the reason why I sing my thoughts through words. It made the Nothingale fly higher than ever with her emotional wings. The feeling was wonderful.

When he left, I became silent. I desired for my co-singer to sing with me again. It felt like he was the music I needed. The only music I'll ever dance to forever.

They say that nothing is forever. At some point, the sound has to meet silence. It's a natural balance of how things work!

Just today, I realized that I don't need someone to make a beautiful performance. Birds sing by themselves most of the time. They sing of nature, of beauty, and I just wonder what makes them so happy to sound so beautiful every single day. If birds can do it, why can't we? We can be happy by ourselves, by loving ourselves.

Soon, we'll eventually have the will to dance again, but by that time, not by someone's music but by our own. By that time, it won't take long for a man to ask if he may join you in your dance.

For now, I'm listening to the sorrowful tune of heartbreak. Soon I'll learn to be like a bird, that I might live up to my name of being 'TheNothingale.' I'll learn how to make music from my own soul.

What is this music I speak off? Happiness. For me, music is happiness, and from happiness out comes freedom.

Last words? Learn to be happy with our own selves, because what a waste of our beauty if we don't share it to the world! Sunflowers always turn to the source of sunlight, and the same goes for connections too.

To the guy who left? I'm no longer your muse, dude. I'm broken, but soon I'll learn how to sing again, by my own. Thank you for setting me free. If not for you, I would not have discovered the melody I have in me. Now, all I need to do is to shift this sad solo to something happy :)

Keep on loving, living and learning, Flockmates!!!

Not The Right Mix?

This is somewhat a sequel to the post before this: Live, Love,Learn: That's Life! 

If you haven't read that one, then you might not understand some things here but if you persist, then you are always free to do so.

Anyway, I asked a question to the Universe yesterday, and guess what? Fate answered me with an emotional disturbance. Fate broke my heart, boohoo, and no I didn't eat lots of ice cream, watched romance movies and an entire roll of tissue paper crying my heart out: It was just a little ache.

Despite the size, pain is still pain, and I tell you, it still hurts. If I were to compare it, it would be a little cut while real heartbreak is a broken bone.

So what made my heart break in pieces, you may wonder? But nah, I won't talk about it here. Let's just say it's a relationship that just wasn't meant to be and isn't supposed to be there in the first place. He's moving on and I've just got out from my shell. I wanted to enjoy myself and the open air first but then he suddenly popped out like Freddy Frazbear. Eeesh, creepy.

I already knew this would happen from the very first day I met him, when we got to know each other a bit. I had the feeling I was bound to be a rebound. Hey, at least that rhymes, right?

Anyway, Fate really responded well, that I'm not ready for all this. In fact, I wasn't even ready at all, to begin with. Before all these happened, I was focusing my energy on honing my hobbies and improving myself. I was trying to find 'Me'. Well, I know she's here but I don't feel her. I'm in a limbo and supposedly I wasn't to be disturbed.

I need to "Be with myself and center, clarity, peace, and serenity.' as Fergie sang.

But yay! Thank Universe for my mini-ache. But perhaps blame it on PMS for the heightened mood. Maybe that's why my pain is amplified.

Soooo I think I should end it here.

xoxoxoxox   Final word, Flockmates?  Sometimes things don't happen the way you expect them to be because maybe it's just not the right mix. Always remember to never worry, because creating the perfect taste needs a lot of taste-testing and re-dos. Soon, we'll eventually meet that perfect mix, and by that time, you'll say to yourself. "Hey, this is worth all the tears, years and heartbreaks!".

Love and learn, as always.






Little, tiny bit of last words: Oh my, Or perhaps I was just overreacting/overthinking? :o