Passion's Return: Reviving My Dead Muse

Hey, Flockmates :) It’s been months since I last visited this place. I don’t know, but no matter how hard I try, this blog will always be in my heart. Its my sanctuary, a little corner where I could express how I feel in the comfort of words. Little of my real life friends know I even blog, and that makes it a relief because the posts I’ve written in here are intimate muses from my heart. Sometimes I think how silly it all seems, blogging, because you write a bunch of paragraphs to an invisible audience. It’s like talking to yourself, but at the same time talking to a group of people. I think that’s why I like it here. It’s that thin line.

So, what’s up with me? I’ve been struggling for the past few days with a variety of obstacles. I’m overcommited, family feuds, got a bit of cloud stuck in my head, friendship lows and maybe a bit at loss with myself. If those are the bad stuff, there are positive things too that happened. I’m writing again, involving with paper crafts, experimenting with painting, learning how to cook, and I’ve strengthened my bonds with my sisters. 

I’ve made mistakes, flockmates. I made broken promises, and hurt a few people, and I’ve been lazy and selfish, thinking only of myself. I feel really bad, but I have my reasons too.

I’ve lost my love for the publications team, I’m stuck on a certain task at another organization, and my writing... Even  if I said that I’ve been writing again lately... it’s just not the same.

Lately, I’ve been frustrated with my writing. It doesn’t flow as easily as before, my words are not smooth, characters lacking life, scenes needing more dertails, and a lot of writing mishaps in which I’ve caused. Recently, I’ve looked up articles in ‘rekindling the passion’ and this quote plucked a string in my heart. A melody I never thought I would hear again played.

“You must write every single day of your life… You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads…may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.” ―Ray Bradbury

That’s not the only reason why I’m writing a blog post in TheNothingale after months. There were points that were excruciatingly true.

I’m here to chatter about my love for writing. Forget the fame, the money, the brutal comments, the perfectionism... I’m going to dig deep and return to my core. I’m going back to why I love writing in the first place.

Writing had always been a part of my life. Actually, it’s not just a part. It’s my life.

I recalled writing with only pencil and paper, in illegible handwriting, silly stories of whales and bees and stick people. I was very young, maybe 5 or 6. I had an extremely huge imagination...

 And maybe that was the core reason which lead me to pick up the pen.

Imagination.

It was the start of a storm that would haunt my life for an entire decade.

From there, I grew to love writing for other reasons too. It was an outlet for my thoughts and emotions: Expression.

I was probably like love-sick Romeo even at a young age because I could not count all the poems I’ve written for my childhood crush. Whenever my heart gets crushed by unrequitted love, my muse was always there for me. 

Another reason was the joy of showing my work to the world.

I was introduced to commercial writing at Third grade, at the age of 8 or 9. At first, it was the pure bliss of seeing others liking your work. I remembered carrying more notebooks in my bag that my other peers. Why? Those notebooks contained stories. They were my ‘pretend’ books in which I show to others.

I even had a little system back then. I would write stories, then show them to my classmates. They would read and I remember studying their reactions intently. I got positive reactions, to the point where some people would bug me for more material to read. “El, do you have new stories?” They’d ask. Oh, I was so ecstatic.

As I grew older, my writing evolved too. From silly comics and little stories, I eventually started to write in paragraphs. As I aged, they grew longer and longer.

The world also grew bigger for me. Not only that, life also had its hands gripping at my throat and a bunch of other teenage stuff.

Then came in the presence of other writers, Critiques, and the reality of publication, editors, and how competitive the world is.

As I write this post, I realize that my core love for writing had been filled with other clutter. That’s why the fire, the love, was fading.

What about those times when I  would question my talent?

Back in the day, my writing was pure. No other hidden intention, I simply wrote because I loved it. It was literary innocence. As the years went on, I discovered more of the writing world, how others were better than me, and the fact that if you have the talent for it, you’ll be credited more, and you’ll grow famous and rich...etc.

I started questioning myself whether I had what it takes to be a published author, and my writing had been encircling around it ever since.

Maybe that’s the stone blocking the river. Maybe I forgot passion in my journey to excellence.

 

I realize, when was the last time I wrote out of the love of it?

Lol, maybe now! I’m loving every single moment of my blog! Riding my thoughts as it rises and falls.

Gosh, I can feel it coming back to me again.

I want to cry, like, right now because trying to mend these broken writing bones meant rediscovering the real me.

Alright, that’s it for today... I guess my mission has been accomplished! I’m feeling way better now, and... I feel healed, rejuvenated, brought back from the dead.

Final words?

Things are different now. My childhood had a different world compared to my present. Everyone I used to know grew, and changed. The writing world is bigger than I thought, full of sheep and sharks, and I feel like swimming in the middle of it all. But what I want to take from this post, forever, is the idea of passion.

I may not me the best writer in the world, but I love what I do, so why bother? I can’t imagine myself without writing, and I think it was destiny that brought me here.

It was probably not a coincidence on why I was accepted in the publications team when I was 11. There must be a reason on why I was selected as the Editor-in-Chief of our school.

Hey the world around me is now a pretty hue of yellow, brought by all these realizations. I feel enlightened. (Or maybe the yellow is simply the sun seeping through my window? xD)

Even if I despise calling my long-time hobby a talent, much more when people call me talented, I think I’d like to call myself unique. I think it suits me better that way. Maybe if  I follow this path of literary madness, it might lead me somewhere. I don’t really know where, but I’m sure it’ll be awesome. Because if you follow your heart, the journey may be perilous and others may call it foolish, but you know... that in the end, you’ll be right where you belong, and it could truly make you happy.

Keep on following your passion, dream, wish, goal in life.  :) Keep on living, loving and learning~

And don’t stop! ;)

Awesome blog post inspired by: http://writersrelief.com/blog/2015/02/falling-love-writing-rekindle-flame/

 Thank you so, so, so much!  I couldn't have done it without you guys.

My Name is Nothing: A Comeback Post

Remember those tears, late night thinking, heart breaking, and emotional writing? They were so worth it. I should have said “So worth it in the end” but this isn’t the end! In fact, this phase I’m going through is just a new beginning. For so long I have searched and learned wisdom, tried to apply positivity into my life. At this moment, I could say that my life has dramatically changed since I, well, desired change!

Things aren’t perfect, I tell you, but you can really sense it: The scent of transformation. Realizing the fact that you’re not the same person as a couple months ago is so surreal! Because back then, this moment I’m now was just a dream and nothing more. I never expected for this vision to be certainly alive. This must be how growth feels like. I can say that I am now a better, wiser, and stronger person all because of the choices I’ve made.

The funny thing about maturity and wisdom is that people can’t see it, and you can’t blurt it out like wit or humor. My friends are going through stuff, drama, and they cry out negativity and complain a lot. In my case, it’s all like a reality show to me. Despite knowing my capability to give advice and stuff, I am still a firm believer of experience being the best teacher. If there’s something I learned is that we cannot force or change people into how we think they should be. I’ve studied a hefty amount of articles about “being yourself’” to be aware enough that we should discover ourselves, and appreciate what we have. I apply that concept to others too. We can’t be the bearer of their answers, but we totally know that we’ll always have something to say if they ask for opinions or advice.

So, how am I doing, really? One word: challenge. First of all, I had just been given the position of Editor-in-chief of our publication team, and I’m trying to be a good student too! Anyway, what about love? The irony behind everything is, over the summer, I’ve been singing almost nothing but love but now? Nah. I don’t think I have space or time for it now. I mean, my friends keep on talking about their relationship woes and joys and what about me? Just a listener, a witness. I have labeled a couple people as my ‘crush’ but you’ll know if it’s truly love or not. Maybe it’s because I’m focusing on myself and career? That may be the case. The thing is, when people say love, all they think of is romantic love. I admit I do feel a bit lonely sometimes. The world is all love, love, love and it feels like Valentine ’s Day when they do that, but once life has given you darkness, you’ll see love in ways you’ve never imagined before.

Love, is a beautiful thing. It is one of the magical elements of life. Other people are lucky to have it from the moment they were children to when they’re in their later years in life. Some aren’t very fortunate. They don’t receive it very often, or they’ve become wise enough to realize that love is not as hard to earn as it seems. There are many instances in life when it is present, but we often overlook these precious gems in a sea of negativity. We don’t need to do drastic things; the worst is being untrue to ourselves. All we need is a bit of perspective.

Guys, I would like to reveal the meaning of my name. It is French for nothing. Ever since I knew what it meant, I felt bad about it because I really do like my name. You don’t see people named Larrien every day, unless you live next-door to someone named as such. But do you know what? I realized that being nothing isn’t so bad at all, because without nothing, you can’t have everything. Did I make sense?

Being nothing allowed me to listen more, to further understand life, to learn more and to see things in different perspectives.

Having nothing allows me to be less materialistic, set better goals, appreciate life better, and cherish every moment that come my way.

Because if we do think about it, the non-materialistic things in life may seem like nothing. Love? Peace? Happiness? Freedom? We can’t see that! Since when did we see a person pointing to something and say “Look! It’s love!”  We never did. It doesn’t take the form a spooky mist, sparkly magical glitter, or colorful flashes of light. Nope, nada, that’s why these things are called abstract. We can’t see them, but we feel them.

These unseen things, they can be referred to as ‘nothing’ if we think about it realistically. We can’t sense them, but  they are actually everything, if we go to the bigger picture.

If there is one thing I could truly say about what changed from my life back then to my life now? I’ve finally realized that NOTHING isn’t that bad. For so long, I’ve tried to be who I am not. Well, I do know how to fight when I’m oppressed, or I know how to voice out my opinions in a discussion but, it just wasn’t perfect. I am not an outspoken person whose words flow fluid like how my words flow from my fingertips. I used to fight ME so much that I forgot who I really am for a certain time. Fortunately, life taught me well to the point where I could come up with these realizations. I am unique with my own strengths and flaws.

If there is one thing I have learned? It’s that we should know about, learn from and try to love ourselves.

Final words? I miss this blog so much. Reading my past posts (and the off-site passages I’ve written) make me proud of myself. Sadly,  I have kept myself away from this blog for a couple months to the point of forgetting it already, but you know what? I don’t regret being offline for quite some time. Those days showed me life outside this virtual world. I was actually living my life, and learning, and loving. I was taking flight as the Nothingale through storms and cerulean skies.

Do you guys know why I came back? It’s to go back to my roots. Like the Nothingale I am, I still sing, and most certainly, I always remember to fly low when I’ve already learned how to fly high. :)

Xoxo Keep on living, loving, and learning! 

Rise and Shine, Flockmates!

I am the Nothingale, bold and brave and dreaming in this whole new world of blogging and business and searching for worms. I hope I'll spend a lot of time in this, and would stick to be committed in blogging, as I have had previous experiences of suddenly disappearing from a blog. I am basically everywhere in the Internet, in FB, Twitter, Instagram, and I have a similarly-named blog on Tumblr but that is for another time.

Today, I ready my scissors to cut the great red ribbon of victory and start dashing towards nowhere in particular. I hope I make many friends here, and I hope I may inspire my readers as well and have them love me and love them and maybe we could hangout together someday or something!

Much, much love, Larrien :)